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Depression, Borderline, Bipolar, etc.

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9th January 2010

potterfreak110:31am: support site
i have a support site you all can use

http://selfhelp.yuku.com

17th July 2006

gen_i_u_s2:25pm: Hey! My name is Haley, I am 17, and have been diagnosed with BPD and ADD. Although I suffer from the emotional aspect of BPD most often, I find my feelings of dissociation to be the most disturbing.

I am trying to put together a Zine to keep my mind from rotting, and to fill my need to create something of worth.

I was wondering if maybe you guys could leave comments about your personal experiences with dissociation and depersonalization, so that I may include them in my zine.

Comments about your first few experiences with dissociation and depersonalization, and how those experiences have impacted your life would be much appreciated.

I want to use my zine as a way to create awareness for Bpd and dissociative experiences. I feel there is a lack of public information available and maybe my zine will find its way into the hands of someone suffering from BPD who really needs it.

...Youre help would be much appreciated. :D

Thanks! lol.

13th September 2005

yellow_fire12:52pm: hummm well.......
Well I am new and well I am not sure anyone will see this for that it looks like no one ever comes in here at all but what the hell I thought I would say hi and that I am new.
INFO about me:
My name is Stephanie
I am 21
I have depression, bipolar, and BPD, I also have others that well I will tell only if asked.

I guess I am posting hoping that someone will read this and will want to talk about everyday stuff.

Well like I always say....

Peace Out.................................
Current Mood: depressed

1st July 2005

babyb0241:24pm: im new.
i found this community through a search of selfharm. My name's Becca and im just shy of 13 years old and i've been cutting and been depressed for 2 years. Usually its a off and on thing. I get depressed, cut for a little while then try and try to stop, sometimes it works, and others it dosen't. I haven't talked to my parents or any adult about this, and I really want to get help. I can't exactlly "talk" to my parents, were not very close. I almost tryed talking to my brother ( hes 22 ) but i didn't because I know he'll tell my parents. I don't know how to get help, and also getting help will cost money. I don't feel that im worth all of that trouble, and cutting is just easier for me. If you have any ideas on what i should do, please comment. And also, please don't think that just because im young, it's not that seroise, i tryed killing myself once, but i chickend out and split my leg open insted. Please help me..
Current Mood: uncomfortable

22nd June 2005

verdanthi3:51pm: yeah I'm new.
Hey there. I'm new, and basically looking for proof that I'm not alone. I don't cut myself,exactly, but I scratch at and peel off my skin until it bleeds and scabs up, and then I peel off the scabs. Has anyone else heard of this/or do it too? Would this be considered self-mutilation?

8th May 2005

obscure_images11:45pm: Help.
Alright I have been watching for awhile. I really don't have to much to say right now. So, anyway. I need some advice on should I tell my family that I cut? and if yes how do I go about doing it. I am scared. Also, I feel so out of control. Like any minute I could just kill myself. Do you think that I should go to a hospital to get "fixed"? I just don't know anything anymore. Please help me.
Current Mood: depressed

31st March 2005

boohiss138:26pm: New here, happy to have found you all!
Hi, I'm Boohiss, and obviously new here. I've never had anyone "like" me to discuss my illness with, so this should be new.

I've been depressed nearly all of my life. I saw my first shrink when I was 13, stopped that, returned to family therapy in 9th grade, stopped that after a while, then entered therapy and drug therapy at 20 and have never stopped.....I will be 34 next month. Diagnosis? So far, Severe Depression w/depressive episodes, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, adjustment disorder, and personality disorder. Super fun! In the 14 years I have been in drug therapy I have been on everything, literally everything, some things, 5 or 6 times, and have had NO SUCCESS at ALL yet. Not a peep. Generally, I just feel as if I have taken a baby aspirin or something; I can't feel a thing. Things have gotten considerably worse the past 4 years, as I have been coming to the end of my rope (as can be expected), plus my marriage wasn't so peachy, all which wound me up in hospital three times; two for od/suicide attempts (many days in the loo-loo-bin for that, after I woke up in the hospital), and one stay in the State hospital (hell on fuckin EARTH) for basically losing my shit and not being able to stop screaming.

At this point, I'm homebound. Physical ailments, all either brought on by anxiety/depression or exacerbated by them (chronic migrianes (level 10); 2-3 a week and scoliosis w/severe sway back), have rendered me unable to work. I'll be trying to apply for disability soon; we'll see.

I'm VERY discouraged and can't see how, after all these years, something is suddenly going to help me now. I still go to the shrink monthly, and keep taking my pills (Wellbutrin, Celexa, Topomax, Clonopin, Seroquel, and Serzone...at the moment), but I honestly don't know why I'm doing it anymore. I don't want to give up, but I am SO frustrated I could just DIE.

Anyhoo, hope I have the chance to get to know a few people.

And, hey, if anyone has any advice as to what drug-cocktail worked for them, do tell! I'll run it by my doc.....we're willing to try ANYTHING.

~Boo
Current Mood: crappy
the_paperrr11:32am: if this therapy is works, i sooooo need to quit dbt and get a hotter therapist
no wonder i always feel less depressed and less suicidal after a romp in the sack with an s&m girl

(excuse double posting, please)
Current Mood: listless

20th February 2005

sunnysusan129:13am: By way of introduction...
Hey there folks. I started blogging online in December 2004...fairly prolific writer so it'd take some time to sift through my entries. Went through DBT about 3 years ago now & it changed my life. I just joined this community & I'll try to post any BPD-relevant personal entries here on this community in future.

For now, here are the entries from my journal that pertain to my BPD/DBT experience directly - although how can one really separate out what is part of a disorder from the rest of life?

Anyway...Folks with BPD might find the following of particular interest and I did want to introduce myself to the community:

Who am I?

BPD Recovery - Entry 1

Slow & Steady Wins the Race

Memories, Self-soothing, Sensation

Force of Nature

Fighting Emotional Fallout

Fighters & survivors

*looks up at list and chuckles* Well, I warned you I was prolific! LOL. Oh, and here's a positive quote to end my introduction on. Be well and please, I'd love to hear from folks!


"We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone."

—Nelson Mandela
Current Mood: productive

22nd December 2004

qithoras1:47am: Hello.
purplepride

Do you have problems? Need or want someone to talk to?


PurplePride is manned by volunteers to spend time listening to peoples problems and give non biased advice based on their own experiances.

We are not a certified or registered counselling service.

We are currently looking for volunteers.

30th September 2004

plsmachic11:22pm: I need help.

To make a long story short... I just got out of a 3 year abusive relationship, which left me the single mother of one wonderful little boy, Aidan (he'll be 2 in November). Paying for diapers, groceries, etc. wasn't a problem while I was in the relationship, but for my own health I had to get out of that.

Now, my problem is, I'm working, but I can't afford diapers, food, warm clothes, or anything I need for my son. I can barely afford the gas money to get to work, on top of babysitting $ and food.

I guess what I'm asking, and I'm sorry if I'm coming off sounding like a beggar... but if there is anyone out there who is better off than I am, if you could help me out in any way, I'd be VERY thankful. I don't have much support from my family and I really don't have any friends who could help me out, most of them are younger than I am anyways.

This is my last resort. If you could please help me, my email is plsmachic@excite.com, or I could email you if you comment with your email address.

Again, I'm sorry for asking, I just don't know where else to turn.

~* Laura *~
Current Mood: scared

16th March 2004

probunt5:48pm: New to the Community
Hey all: I scanned the depression communities and most looked like they were hosted by Goth teenagers. Not to knock Goth teenagers; I'm just not one of them. I need to share with folks who have been around the block a few times.

I'm suffering from my second bout with major (unipolar) depression. It's been over a year now since I really hit the skids, but I still can't work and Paxil and therapy are combining to little effect. I've read that with each depressive episode the next becomes that much more likely. Just between me and you, I won't survive another. I don't WANT to survive another. I already feel as if my life has been shredded and now I'm left to try to create another one. I don't have the energy, but my husband wants me to try. I guess I will for him.

So, looking forward to reading your thoughts and sharing mine. Cheers,

Regina
Current Mood: blah

2nd July 2003

ladylovecraft12:21am: Thoughts in my head
Like I should really be giving advice. But this entry is more or less to help maybe those who have a mental illness know what they can do to help a loved one. And for those of us who have the problem, know we arent alone and a way to put it into words.

First, dont get involved with a person like me if you cant deal with mental illness. If you cant deal with high intense emotions or a person who gets down, just avoid that relationship. But if you get involved with one, show them that you care. Support them no matter what they say or do. Tell them that you are there for them, that you care. And even if they don't believe you, thats okay: say it anyway because it does mean something to them even if at the time they cant recognize it. And avoid actions that could possibly make them think you dont care. See them as much as possible, call, give them token gifts (make it yourself, a flower you picked outside, a card, etc), anything that would help prove how you felt. In the long run, they will see those things and know somewhere inside that you care. Even if they are in a dark place mentally. The little light you give can be the best thing. Cus as much as the mind is telling them that they are alone that no one cares, better off dead; that little ray of light you gave may bring them back from that place. And even if they come back temporarily, don't give up on them. They need you to hold onto because you may be the only thing keeping them from drowning. So if you get involved with someone with a mental illness know that you will play a big role in their life. If you can't take that role, then think about the relationship before you get involved in their life. If you become one of their life lines and then suddenly you let go, they could possibly drown if they don't have many other life lines or aren't strong enough on their own. If you ever noticed, normally when one drowns, the people left are often wondering what they could have done. Its normally those people that let go. Those that held on know their was nothing more they could have done.

Secondly, If you are like me, you know how it feels to be in that dark place. To feel alone, unloved, unworthy. To sit there alone at night wishing to whatever that it would all just end. Even if you have to end it yourself. All you feel in you is hate and uncared for and lonely and how unworthy you are and pathetic and scared and afraid. It is all so very powerful. Feeling that you can just slip away and no one would even notice. You made no difference in anyones life and things would be better without you. You see nothing and can feel nothing good. Life is simply miserable and that is how it will always be for you. Trying to get rid of those feelings and darkness, but it comes back to you like a wave knocking you down. You try to get to the surface but the dark cold water simply engulfs you and the surface seems so far away. There isnt enough air in you to make it to the top. Then even if you do, another wave may be right there to drag you right back down to the bottom. And each time you go down, you are left wondering should you even try to make it to the top. Should you just drown. Lucky for many of us we keep trying to get to the top because drowning just isnt an option.

Finally, maybe if you arent someone who suffers from mental illness (specifically some form of depression) you now have a better understanding. And if you do suffer from mental illness maybe now you can put it into better words. Plus knowing you aren't alone cant hurt.

25th April 2003

ladylovecraft3:37am: not sure how much longer I can continue crying for and the lack of sleep. I dont think much more before I crash. Even the positive things in my life I make negative. Not even worth going on.

10th April 2003

ladylovecraft3:01am: My life has come undone
Never to see another morning sun
Falling from the sky
Never having the chance to say goodbye
You broke my heart in many pieces
All the noise around me ceases
Try to bring me back to life
But I had been cut down by your knife
Singing songs about your name
Knowing the whole while this was just a game
Time has come for me to let go
And start a life, you will never know
Current Mood: depressed

5th April 2003

ladylovecraft1:39am: I'm still alive
Although still feeling very down and useless I am alive still. I have come so far without losing that maybe I am not willing to give up yet. But my grandparents are the only ones that keep me from doing it. Without them, I am not sure what I would do and I know that as time is going on, I am getting closer and closer to when they will no longer be here. That is my biggest problem. I know when they are gone, I may go too. I will have no one at that time. But I do have a good thing in my life right now. I just started seeing this guy who seems interrested in me for me. Perhaps they will give me something to look forward too.....

I slowly let myself die
Those on earth shall not cry
I meant nothing to a single one
My unhappy life shall be undone

Bringing nothing but lonliness back
Emotional joy inside I lack
So I say goodbye to those I love
And fly away with a morning dove
Carried high into the sky
With this winged dove I fly
Soaring high above the trees
Below me a world no one else sees
Happy to be gone from below
No longer putting on a good show
Free from the pain that was me
Finally allowed to set myself free


Our sons and daughters sent to war
Our hearts cry for no more
Wishing them to be home
But far from us they do roam

Keeping the world safe and at ease
Destroying dictators that kill as the please
Seeing who are our friends
And those we shall never make amends
A hope a wish that many do not die
As those left behind shall surely cry
Make this war fast and swift as can be
Let the countries know what its like to be free
Leaving them to be what they should
Allowing them to live as no others would
No more fear for them dying under a hateful hand
And buried forgotten in the hot desert sand
by Me
Current Mood: disappointed

4th April 2003

jasgromit1:39pm: Dont give in...
I haven't posted anything for a while because I've been in my own little isolated pit of depression. I have been pretty on the edge lately myself as far as feeling like there isn't much hope or sense in continuing the struggle with depression and life. Friday last week and last Saturday and Sunday I was ready to give up on life and everything in it. I was just tired, deep in my soul tired of feeling the sadness, the emptiness, the ache of depression and all the other crap that I feel. Nothing that usually means something to me meant anything of consequence or held any value, not friends, not family, not my little nephew Emerson, I wanted nothing more then for everything to end. I don’t know why or how but I didn’t give in, and I don’t know what the thread is that I hang by through those times, but it’s there, even if I don’t feel it or see it. I haven’t given up, I didn’t cut myself or do anything destructive other than sleep pretty much the entire weekend, and I hope that you haven’t given up either. For me the feelings of depression are a fog that obscures everything of value in my world, a poison in every thought, a poison in every friendship and relationship, but it doesn’t win everyday and everyday that I continue the fight, the struggle to not give in to it I win, and I get closer to finding the answers and solutions that will help me win against this crap. Don’t give in, don’t give up the fight, don’t let it win

Below is what I wrote on the days that I felt most like giving in
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Friday March 28, 2003
I’m tired of it all. Tired of depression, tired of watching me and my life progressively fall apart, tired of struggling through each day, tired of feeling all that I feel, the loneliness, the sadness, the confusion, the rage, the ache, the pain, the emptiness of my existence. I want to drink, I want to die, I want to cut myself open and remove this cancer, this stain from my heart and soul, I want this existence to end, I do not contribute, I have no energy to contribute anything. It just goes on, one day after another, ad nauseum… I want to care but don’t, I want to have some enthusiasm for life but haven’t any.

I am suffocating, and I am suffocating, drawing in what little breath I can find in others for I have none of my own.

The It eats, swallows, consumes itself, bite after bite, mouthful after bitter bloody mouthful, only to regrow, resurrect, and become more warped, twisted, and scarred, It’s hunger and emptiness never sated, satisfied, It’s demon’s never weary, never tired.

Broken, bent and burned, wrecked and damaged, beyond feasible repair, stand and stare, feel the wound, feel the tear, open, exposed, decomposed, soul laid bare, stark reality, fates finality.
Cancelled, your time expired, your clock miswired, times extreme, primal scream, the demons dream…of eating your soul, desecration of the whole…all the parts…scattered, spun and strung across galaxies of time, un-justice and punishment of crime
Fucked, fucked in the head, fucking dead, not a word was said, to save you, to stop you from going over the line, edges and parameters not defined, truth confined, by soul death designed.
Take it, motherfucker take it to the end, swallow the lies they defend, following the rules you bend

Monday March 31, 2003
Its all grinding away, life is falling apart, I have no more heart, I want it all to end, no more room to bend, fuck it all right, give it all to god, does god even care, does god even want it, gee I don’t want this mess that is my fucking life why should god give a rats ass about it, I’m just broken, just broken somewhere inside, and there’s no fix, no wrench, no replacement parts, no rehabilitation, I’m dead inside a living corpse, just one more day, existence
How am I doing? Not so good, ready to fold my hand, tired of playing. I don’t know what or why I keep hanging on for at times, for a while on Friday I was ready to drink for just a moment of possible relief, thought about doing some cutting, but did neither and slept and isolated all fucking weekend. The bills are piling up, I haven’t been to the mailbox, and sooner or later they will find my truck and me if I don’t do something soon. I care on one hand but deep inside nothing matters, if the way I feel doesn’t change then not much else matters.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let IT win...
Current Mood: okay

30th March 2003

ladylovecraft1:59am: I am going to ruin a relationship before it even begins probably. Why? Because of my fucking nerosis about things. I get to depressed to easily over the stupidest shit. No wonder I have no friends any more. I wouldnt deal with me either.

I have been living with this feeling since 1997. I am thinking it is time to just give up and pack it in. Im to tired to fight any more and either way the depression is what is winning...not me.

24th March 2003

widowspeak11:21am: Losing the battle today.
I was up until 3 am doing laundry that HAD to be done (or I would have had to go to class naked), so I overslept and missed my first class. Now I'm wondering, "Why bother? Why are you still here? You can't get this right, so why not pack it in? Go home."

But I refuse. I will not let the Nitpicker win. I will not let this beat me. I have another class at 2:30 pm, so I'm going to that one, and I even have the homework done for that. Isn't that great? :)
Current Mood: determined
ladylovecraft12:02am: <table bgcolor="#CCCC99" border="8" bordercolordark="#9900FF" bordercolorlight="#CCCCFF" width="55%">
My story of what happened


Hi. I guess the best way to start this is to admit that you have it. Well, I'm Dee and I suffer from depression. And I was in denial for a long time that I had a problem. Even when I was 17 in high school seeing a councelor weekly. But, I wasn't told I had anything at that time. I just felt wrong, as if something was wrong with me. I didn't learn that I was okay until I was 19 in college.


It was 1997, that summer began with me working 3 jobs. One day I simply crashed in the shower crying and unable to stop. I figured I was just stressed with the jobs, so I quit 2 of them. I remained upset alot and had a hard time doing things I had enjoyed. I had a boyfriend at the time and my constant mood changes put a strain on us. So when I went back to college, within a month we were over. He just could no longer deal with me and what was going on.


I went back to school in September, by the secon week in October I had dropped 20lbs. I wasnt eatting any more. I cried all the time. I couldnt sleep at night and when I went to sleep I couldnt wake up. My grades and classwork took a nose dive. I didn't care. I didnt care about anything.


I got to the point where even moving wasn't worth it. I barely made the effort to get in the shower. And what's worse to stop the inner pain, I started to cut myself. The boxcutter became my closest friend and release from the inside. I didnt want to die, but I kept seeing it as my only option worth doing. I couldnt live this way and I wasn't okay.


My family stepped in. I left school for a week to clean up and to get away to think about what my next step was. During this time, the dianosis came in. I suffered from Major Depression with self-mutilating tendencies and borderline anorexic. Plus, setting up for therapy weekly back home. I decided I had one month left for the semester, I would finish up and then leave. For that time, I had to see a therapist on campus almost daily and another one off campus weekly for medication updates.


Yes, the fun world of anti-depresants were introduced. Nice dose of Paxil and Doxycyclin with sleeping pills on the side. Before leaving college, I had to see a doctor off campus weekly and make contact with an oncampus councilor daily. I learned the cutting and the anorexia were both side affects of the depression. The idea I couldnt control my inside things, I could control what was going on the outside. Although, part of me knew that it was more than just control with the cutting it was a desire.


Then when I got back home, I wasn't allowed to do to many activities. I was told to keep things simple and stress free. So I did and therapy weekly. Then over time to every other week to monthly, until I just stopped going. I left. Should I have? No.


Here it is 2003, 6 years after I was diagnosed and put on the pills. My medication has changed and the cutting is gone most of the time. I don't think I feel any better half the time though. I still feel useless and worthless inside. I also feel like a huge disappointment and pathetic. Those feelings are over dramatized I know, but still there. And will most likely be for the rest of my life. But, I'm normal and okay. That alone makes me feel better.

Current Mood: awake

23rd March 2003

widowspeak12:18pm: It worked. Good.
Well, I'm the new member. Never joined a community before. This should be interesting.

I was diagnosed with depression two weeks ago, but I've been depressed much longer than that. I successfully hid it in my last year of high school, mostly because I was in denial, and tried to "snap out of it". People started to notice it when I became a sophmore in college, but I just brushed it off as "the I-don't-want-to-be-in-school blues."

Now I'm a senior in college, and I couldn't deal with the depression on my own anymore. So, I talked to my doctor over Spring Break, and he prescribed me Lexapro, and referred me to some psychologists and psychiatrists near my university.

I have yet to make an appointment.

I don't know why I'm avoiding seeing a shrink. Maybe its because if I turn up "missing" from some event with my friends, they'll ask me where I was and I'll have to explain. I've kept these new developments to myself, mostly, only telling close friends and my professors. Why? Because I saw the way my father reacted when my mother told him, and how he treated me when I was doubled over from the side affects of the anti-depressent, and I don't want it to happen again.
widowspeak12:11pm: Test Post
I'm posting this to see if I can actually post in the community journal. Bear with me.
ladylovecraft1:29am: HELLO ALL


[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<table [...] <font>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<html>
<table>
<TR>
<TD>
<table border=8 width=55% bgcolor=#D8BFD8
bordercolordark=#330099
bordercolorlight=#3399FF
<font color=#0033CC><font size=6>WELCOME TO DEPRESSED <br>
OR <br>JUST VENTING! </TR> </TD>
<TR><TD>
<fontcolor=#3399FF><font size=4>
<P>Hello! Thanks for joining and hope to get to know everyone real soon. I started this community as just a place to let your emotions flow.
</P>
<P>
Sometimes just sharing how your feeling with your own journal where others may not see it or understand or reply. Well, here it is free for all. You just want to let go, go for it. No one's stopping you.
</P>
<P>
So pull up a seat and let it all go. You may feel better once you have.
</P></TR></TD>
</table>
Current Mood: tired

16th March 2003

ladylovecraft11:47pm: I have just really been depressed lately and haven't posted in this journal. I am just tired and well tongiht to try to help me sleep I am going to have a little bit of a drinky. It is not good for me to do, but I must. i need to sleep better. I can't go on like the way I am.

10th March 2003

ladylovecraft12:23am: Today I watched the movie Girl Interrupted with Angelina Jolie and Wynonna Ryder. I really shouldn't have seen it. The movie touches on so many different levels of my mind that I can't help but think I should be one of those girls in that movie.

I am a cross between Lisa (Jolie's character) and Sussana (Ryder's character). My depression is between the two of the symptoms they were going through. With Ryder's wish to deny there was anything wrong with promescuity to Jolie's harsh nature to point out everyone else's flaws rather than deal with her own.

The one scene with Ryder where she finally opens up about how she feels inside...is so true...that each time I watch the movie I cry. Why? Because often you cant put it into words how it feels inside. That you feel alone all the time and you just want to know what is wrong with you, but you can't figure it out. And it feels so empty in there and you just want it to go away. And thats why you tend to hurt yourself...to just get the emptiness and pain out.

Thats how I feel all the time. And the fight often makes me so tired. Pretending to be happy and normal when in reality I just want to rip my hair out and scream from the top of my lungs. No body knows this though...and nobody really cares to know this either.
Current Mood: contemplative
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